This Is Not The Life I Ordered

What happens when your days don’t look like your dreams?

I don’t know about you, but there have been plenty of days I’ve looked at my life and thought, “This is not what I thought it would be.” Between work, taking care of others, maintaining relationships, and just trying to stay fed and rested—it often feels like my actual dreams have no place to land.

And that, my friend? That drives me mad.

This episode marks the end of our March series “The Things That Drive Us Mad,” and it felt only right to end on one of the most universal frustrations of all:
Trying to manage the chaos of life while still holding space for what matters most.

Life as a To-Do List

There are days I feel like I’m drowning in responsibility.
The dishes.
The errands.
The emotional load.
The relationships that require tending.
The invisible work.
The ever-growing to-do list.

And I know I’m not alone. For many of us, this is daily life. Most days, I don’t even make it through my have-to-do list, let alone have time to think about what I want to do. So where does that leave our dreams? Our purpose?

Honestly? Buried.

When the Life You Have Doesn’t Match the Life You Envisioned

I used to picture a different life for myself—more adventure, more creativity, more freedom, more me. I had grand visions of doing all the things, meeting all the people, and living life to its fullest.

But somewhere along the way, I started managing my life instead of living it.

I woke up one day and realized I had been duped. That the life I thought I was building had been quietly replaced by one of survival and schedules. Provision and protection became the priority—and my dreams slowly faded into the background.

Between caregiving, self-care, and sleep... where do our dreams fit in?

Where is the space for creativity, play, rest, and purpose?

Living on Auto-Pilot

For a long time, I lived on auto-pilot. I did what needed to be done. I took care of everyone else. I pushed my needs and dreams aside, thinking “this is just what adulthood looks like.” I reconciled my hopes into the box labeled someday.

And for a while, I convinced myself it was fine.
But deep down, I was tired.
Resentful.
Irritated.
Angry.
And most of all—I felt grieved by the life I wasn’t living.

And then I realized… I didn’t have to live that way.

The Power of Choosing On Purpose

That was the turning point.

I began to realize that we don’t stumble into a meaningful life—we choose it.

We choose risk over comfort.
We choose adventure over management.
We choose freedom over confinement.

Living with purpose isn’t always some grand, sweeping life change. Most of the time, it’s a small, quiet decision to honor your values in the middle of the mess. It’s asking:
📌 What is my purpose in this moment?
📌 How can I live a little more like me today?

You Don’t Have to Wait

If you’ve been managing life instead of living it, I want to gently remind you:
You don’t have to wait for a better time.
You don’t need permission.
You don’t have to have all the answers.
You just have to choose—one small moment, one small step at a time.

Practical Steps: A Challenge as We Close This Month

As we end this series, I want to leave you with a simple challenge:

Take inventory.
Look at your day-to-day—not just the big picture.
Where have you fallen into autopilot?
Where have your dreams been buried under responsibility?
And where can you carve out just a little space to reclaim what matters to you?

Reflection:

Our purpose isn’t found in to-do lists.
It’s not in perfection.
It’s in presence.
It’s in the way we move through the ordinary, with intention.

Final Thoughts

Living free means letting ourselves want more—not more to do, but more of who we are.

Your dreams aren’t silly.
Your purpose isn’t out of reach.
And this life you didn’t order?
You still get to shape it.

Because every single day, you have the power to realign. To choose again. To live on purpose.