For Shame: Hide or Share?

Shame is one of the most isolating and overwhelming emotions we can experience. It convinces us that we’re unworthy of love, belonging, and connection—and it thrives in silence and secrecy.

I’ve wrestled with shame for much of my life, and in today’s episode, I opened up about what that’s looked like for me and the transformative power of empathy in breaking shame’s grip. Together, we’ll explore what it means to face shame, speak it out loud, and release its heavy burden.

Exploring the Power of Shame: A Poetic Insight

To start, I shared a poem I wrote earlier this year. It reflects how shame has felt for me—bitter, overwhelming, and sometimes consuming.

SHAME

“Shame tastes bitter in my mouth.

Filling my senses with its presence and overwhelming me. Coming in when I’m vulnerable without permission leaving me no control. 

It comes when it wants; it leaves when it wants, leaving a reminiscence of its presence in its wake. 

Bitterness… it’s what I taste; its dry, empty staleness remains on my palate until it fades… until next time.

Cover it

Hide it

Mask it

Let no one know

Let no one see where it resides. 

It comes pretending it’s someone I’ve never met, a new intruder at my door, only to figure out it's been here all along—something I’m so familiar with. 

It's waiting in the shadows to overtake me once again, just when I thought I had escaped.

Shame. It tastes bitter in my mouth, yet I found myself wrapping up in its comfort.

In its grip, I find myself loathe myself. Here is where I know myself. For who am I without it?” 

Writing this poem was my way of shining a light on shame—exposing it, naming it, and acknowledging its grip on my life.

What is Shame?

For a long time, I didn’t even realize what I was feeling was shame. It was just this heavy, bitter presence that I couldn’t shake. I turned to Brené Brown’s work for clarity and found a definition that resonated deeply.

As Brené defines it, shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.”

This definition hit me hard because it perfectly described how shame had made me feel—like I wasn’t enough like I didn’t deserve love or acceptance. 

Shame thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment, and it grows when we keep it hidden, much like mold in a dark, damp place.

But here’s the hopeful part: the antidote to shame is empathy. When we allow ourselves to share our shame with someone we trust, its power diminishes. Shame thrives in the dark but can’t survive in the light of empathy and connection.

Understanding Shame vs. Guilt

One of the critical distinctions in this journey is understanding the difference between shame and guilt:

• Guilt says, “I did something wrong,” while shame whispers, “I am wrong.” Guilt can encourage growth and change, but shame corrodes our sense of self-worth.

Recognizing this distinction is essential because while guilt can be a motivator for positive change, shame often leaves us feeling trapped and isolated. Guilt can motivate positive change, but shame only holds us back, eroding our self-worth.

A Personal Story About Shame:

I’ve carried a lot of shame in my life, especially around being a young mom. I became a mother at 17, utterly unprepared for what lay ahead. Over the years, my shame grew alongside my mistakes, piling up like a heavy emotional burden I didn’t even realize I was carrying.

Fast forward 23 years. My kids were grown and leaving home, and I found myself flooded with memories of all the ways I had failed them—or so I thought. All the lost time, the missteps, the selfish decisions. I was overwhelmed, and it was too much. One day, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I hid in my closet, slid to the floor, and cried. It wasn’t the first time and wouldn’t be the last.

What stands out most to me in those moments is the quiet presence of my husband, Sean, sitting outside the door, waiting—just being there. Over time, I realized that sharing my shame with him—allowing him to see the parts of me I was most ashamed of—began to lighten the load.

When I finally opened up to my children about my shame, their empathy was transformational. They told me they loved me, forgave me, and didn’t want me to carry the weight of shame for the life we had.

The Truth of Letting Go

Letting go isn’t easy, but it’s possible. I share actionable steps for releasing shame, such as practicing self-compassion, sharing with someone you trust, and allowing vulnerability to bring light into dark places. Here they are below:

1. Self-compassion: You don’t have to weather the shame alone. In fact, you are not meant to. Give yourself permission to share.
2. Embrace Vulnerability: Vulnerability can be powerful in breaking down shame’s hold. Opening up, even a little, can bring relief and clarity.
3. Share with Someone You Trust: Empathy is the antidote to shame. Talking to someone safe allows you to be seen and understood without judgment.

Reflection Exercise: Visualizing Freedom from Shame

We took time today to use a powerful exercise to connect with the idea of releasing shame. The exercise helps us envision ourselves being vulnerable, letting go, and sharing shame with someone we trust. From picturing who our trusted ally is to sharing and setting down our shame, this exercise helps to reinforce that shame is a burden we can choose to release. 

I want to invite you to reflect on your journey:

• Where are you experiencing shame in your life?
• What would it feel like to let go of that shame?
• Who in your life could you trust to share your experience with?

 Key Takeaways:

Letting go of shame starts with naming and sharing it with someone you trust. Here’s what I’ve learned about navigating shame:

1. Shame grows in the dark. The more we hide it, the more power it holds.
2. Empathy is the antidote. Sharing your shame with someone who responds with kindness and understanding diminishes its grip.
3. Guilt is not shame. Guilt motivates change; shame convinces you that you can’t change.
4. Self-compassion is key. Treat yourself with the same grace you’d offer a loved one.

Final Thoughts

Shame tells us to hide, but it thrives in the dark. It begins to lose its power when we bring it into the light—through connection, empathy, and vulnerability. You don’t have to let shame define you.

Take it one step at a time. Share a little piece of your story with someone you trust. Write it down. Say it out loud. You are worthy of love, belonging, and freedom—flaws and all.